Don't overdo it though or they might start to be reminded of overly personal and phoney salesmen that they've encountered.
This makes the conversation more personal and direct. Also try to use words like you, me and I – or possibly even we and us – instead of indefinite, wishy-washy constructs like “one might”. Or drop the subject reasonably quick.Īnother thing you can use to reinforce the connection and put the focus on the other person is to use their name. Make the topic interesting by making it relatable to the person you are talking to. Instead, you can for instance talk about how the changes in economy will affect a regular person and what he/she can do to get a positive result out of those changes. If you, for example, are a banker then you may not want to talk too much about your new computer system or your day to day routine. By that I mean you can take your interest and talk about in a way that connects to anyone's life instead of going on about it in way that the other person will have a hard time relating to. When you bring up a topic that the other person isn't not that interested in, then try to talk about it in a way that lets them relate the topic to their lives.
Ask question, listen – actually listen to what they are saying, don't just wait for your turn to talk (another skill that might take some time to develop) – and make a mental note of topics they bring up and seem interested in and then use those topics to continue the conversation. In a conversation focus on what the other person is interested in. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one.” “You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Dale Carnegie, for instance, found this great benefit of doing just that: Much has been written about shifting the focus to the other person. If you focus on the one(s) you are talking to then you'll be an exciting exception. But if you can shift your attention outward, then here lies a strong power and possibility. People's favourite subject is often themselves. Of course, you are not alone in focusing on yourself. I believe that if don't decrease your need for attention and validation then it will be hard to actually be genuinely interested in other people you meet. When you start to care less about what other people may think and say about you you'll gain freedom inside your mind to actually take the focus off yourself and develop a genuine interest for what the other guy/girl is saying. It lets people see that you have things in your life you care about and, well, people seems to kinda like people with passions. However, if you talk about your passions and interests just because you like them so much, without thinking about wanting a positive reaction out of someone, then that is a better approach. When you do that you are seeking a reaction and you will come across as needy rather than impressive, interesting or cool. But frankly, I don't think that it that works that well to try and consciously impress someone. And if you like, you can start to validate yourself instead of seeking such things from others.Īs we grow up we learn – through what may be called social programming or social conditioning – that to gain validation, appreciation etc. You are what you think you are and the world is what you think it is. They are really only as important as you decide they are. When you really start to give it up – which might have to be done over time and with patience as your ego probably will want to snap back to seeking that sweet, sweet approval – you start to realise that neither of them are that important. The two are connected because when if you no longer crave positive cheers and approval from people then you will no longer have fears of not getting that approval either. How? By giving up the need for both negative and positive approval. How do you shift out of that “look at me and please validate me” mentality?īasically one idea is to give up or at least reduce the need for approval. Which leads you down a downward spiral where your need for validation becomes bigger and bigger. Especially if you become needy and really want it so you prattle on about you and your life even though the person you are talking to may not be listening that attentively anymore. However, it can be hard to get that validation.
We want to be validated by people around us so we can feel good about ourselves and our interests. Well, one big reason I can come up with is a need for validation and approval. You (and I) may often focus too much on ourselves while at a party, at work, at school, online or in just about any setting instead of shifting your focus outward, toward the person we are talking with. One common mistake in conversations of any kind is to turn your focus the wrong way.
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